I did it again now didn't I?? Went and disappeared, but not because of anything bad, I promise. :) I actually am working on getting my decorative (or faux if you will) painting business up and running trying to work on getting a website started. I also have been working or "redoing" my kitchen and have been working on my art. All those things mixed into one.
I resurrected my Blogspot, which was my place for my art so I just continued, now it's more like "follow my kitchen redo project". I also subscribed to Typepad which is part of Six Apart, with that account I hope to help promote my faux finished and my art work.
So that's what I have been doing, busy and I haven't really been all "thinky" to post anything I feel is worth reading here.
Once I get some things up and running I'll post links if you would like.
*muahs*
Michelle
Hello! Would like to reintroduce myself into society. Been out of the loop for quite awhile and thought it time to get back in the saddle.
'ELLO!
Once again I participated in CHAD DARNELL'S 12 on 12 project. Focusing on happier things in my life now that things are looking up. :)
7:30 am on my way to work , this is Central Park across from where I work
7:35 The river on the other side of my office, there are two ducks in there somewhere. In the summer this is a good river to kayak
10:25am A co-worker wanted to try a new workout I adore, it's called HIP HOP ABS from the company Beach Body she really didn't like the Hip Hop dancing and this was her review
10:26am This is what I thought of her review
12:00 Since I couldn't get one co-worker to join the Hip Hop train I tried it out on another, she loved it
4:30pm Before I left I tried to get another co-worker to try it and this was her reaction not sure if it was a laugh or a cry for help
4:45 My drive home and some of the beautiful scenery I have to look at.
4:50 I love this old farmhouse, it's huge and has tons of potential.
4:55 Beach Lake the lake I live near
6:00 Working out with Chalene Johnson and TURBO KICK I teach this at the gym
8:00pm My husband trying to eat
8:03 Something captures Olivia's attention...FOOD?
8:10 I threw in this extra one cause I couldn't resist his face! LOOK at it.
So that's it for this month, thanks for looking. Thanks Chad! I look forward to the 12th of each month.
I believe the black veil is starting to lift. I look back at my post over the last few and GOD! How bleak and horrible! I really felt awful. I still don't feel myself completely but I feel like I'm getting there.
I've accepted that; yes I have to take meds, perhaps the rest of my life but perhaps not, but for right now I have to and I have come to terms with that. I never want to be lost in that black hole again.
I have been trying to remember everyday to be grateful for things, to remember affirmations and the pearls of wisdom I have been given by friends. I couldn't seem to hold onto them in my brain as of a week ago but something happened last Tuesday, something finally "clicked" and it started moving towards working "right" again. I seem to be able to hold on to the positive much longer and see the light at the end of the tunnel.
I am conquering my fear of driving and being alone, I'm taking baby steps, but at least I'm taking steps and I'm not frozen with fear, unable to do anything or go anywhere. I am hoping soon I will be driving with no worries, no fear gnawing in the pit of my stomach, no frantic phone calls to my friend(s) crying and feeling like I can't breathe and I will never make it.
I know I'm going to make it now, I just have to have patience.
Tonight I start MORE new meds! UGGGH! I know everyone has said to have patience and keep going. I HATE absolutely HATE taking all these pills! I just got used to the Lithium, klonopin and Lamictral. NOW she has added Topamax and Neurontin and took away the Klonopin. I am SO worried about taking this new stuff. She says that these two will work on the anxiety because the klonopin I'm taking at night is not carrying me through the day.
Has anyone had experiences with either Topamax or Neurontin? I am so afraid of the way my body will react to them. I feel sick to my stomach and I will probably have panic attacks over taking one small fucking pill tonight!
WHY so many meds??? GOD I hate this! I don't know if this is all worth it!
We had a HUGE snowstorm here in NEPA, our first of the year. It was that kind of storm where it starts out snow, turns to sleet and then back to snow. I work for the County which only closes when Hell freezes over, well, I gues it froze over yesterday because I was called and told not to come in.
I start my morning with my workout: HIP HOP ABS great workout especially if you love to dance. Really does work the abs. Gets rid of some of this nervous energy.
Ok, great 8+ hours home by myself because my Husband HAD to go in they NEVER close *he is in law enforcement*. I managed to keep the anxiety at bay by staying on the computer pretty much ALL day! *that is so sad* I was mostly on the site I hang around on: thundercrush, it's fun and I've got quite a few good friends on there. I tried cleaning but got sidetracked.
I did go out and shovel, you ever try to shovel fucking snow/ice? NOT fun! I did the best I could and decided I should start my car and get some of the ice off it. Then I had the brilliant idea that I would just pop it into 4WD and bust through the wall that the snowplow left. So I back up and go forward a couple times. I KNOW the next time I'll bust through it! WRONG I ended up getting stuck! Half in the driveway, half in the road wheels spinning. I get out and try shoveling around the wheels, get back in; reverse, drive, reverse, drive I'm gettin' no where. Then I remember ROCKS from my garden! I dig a couple flat stones out and wedge them under the back tires. Get back in; reverse, drive, reverse, drive and WOOO HOOO! Unstuck. I park in the road and now have to shovel the 2 feet that I was stuck on. I noticed some greenish/yellow fluid all over the snow. Oh no! I broke something, I park it and leave it that will have to be something the hubby takes care of.
I feed the birds, shovel the deck and check my bees. Keeping busy, but that anxiety is nawing, why do I feel this constant state of uncomfort? Like I have to run or I'm trapped. If I sit and try to relax and not do anything I last maybe 2 minutes and then I'm up. I get a call from hubby, he has mandatory overtime and possibly could be staying overnight! This almost send me over the edge. I call my friend Sandy and talk to her. She assures me nothing is going to happen to me. I just feel stuck, like my car.
I don't know where this post is going, just a ramble or sorts I guess.
Hubby calls around his quitting time and tells me that he will only have to stay 4 extra hours. Whew! Big relief, I can handle 4 more hours. More posting on TC, haven't eaten much at all with the nerves, just pick so my competition diet is for SHIT!! The competition is in April and looks like I just am not going to be ready. I manage to eat an okay dinner but not competition food, I had venison and beans! Hubby gets home and it's like a weight lifts. I can breath, I'm ok, I'm safe. He checks my car but can't really see anything.
So here I am today; workout done, showered and was going to atempt to go to work even though the snow drifts across 652 are usually horrendous! As my husband leaves this morning he says:"If you are going to work just watch your temperature gauge if it starts going crazy pull over and call for help!! WHAT! THE! FUCK! First of all drivng back and forth to work on CLEAR roads is a challenge for me, nevermind ice and snow drifts and NOW "in case" my temperature gauge goes crazy PULL OVER AND CALL FOR HELP??? I decide I'm staying home, I cannot face that situation! I know I shouldn't be saying CAN'T but * I know "but" means you are closing down to I CAN* I just don't feel I can do it.
Rambling post and all it's keeping me busy. I have that stuck feeling, lump in he throat and can't take a deep breath. Just remembering to breathe and trying to relax.
Another month for CHAD DARNELL'S 12 on 12 PROJECT
It was late and I just couldn't get my 12 of 12 in last night, so it had to wait until this morning! So awayyy we go......
8:00- My office desk, lot's of pictures and "things". That's my oatmeal
8:15~ I wasn't able to get my makeup on before I left for work so here I am in the office's bathroom BEFORE you can see the deformity from my eye surgery
and the AFTER
10:15~ Feet up with my Come Fuck Me Boots
3:00~ To my friend Gwyn; "you and me right there"
5:40~ Working out with BARRY'S BOOTCAMP, this is BOB HI BOB!!
6:15 Hubby watching the news, he's obsessed with it for some reason. *rolling eyes*
6:45~ Olivia the missing, now home and safe. I LOVE her!
7:10~ Dishes really need to be done!
7:30~ They're waiting for something
7:45~ LIFE IS GOOD water bottle, stillll drinking!
8:00~ Our new fuel tank, our old ones were starting to leak! What a ob it was to get the old ones out!
There they are, kinda boring this month but hey, life isn't always exciting right??
I haven't been here in awhile, lots have happened. My anxiety seems to be getting better in the last couple of days Sat. I went to the Psych and she prescribed MORE meds *rolling eyes*, concentrating on the anxiety; Neurontin and Topomax. I haven't started taking them yet, waiting for the weekend when I can be at home and my Hubby will be with me. I HATE taking new meds. But I think I've said that many times already.
The worse thing that happened to me this last weekend was my dog Olivia; my princess, my baby, ran away on Sat. she was gone all night. I was frantic, if it wasn't for the anxiety meds I am already on I don't know if I would have stayed sane! Sunday morning a friend of mine came over and we took some pictures and just started knocking on doors. To make a long story short, we found someone who knew who found Olivia and had her safe and sound! It was one of the worst 24 hours in my life! The two young kids that had her were great! Such sweet kids, about my Son's age. They wouldn't even accept money, they were just happy that she had a good home and they were able to do something good for someone!
Here I am after being reunited obviously I've been crying cause I looked stoned. Needless to say Olivia will NOT be going outside without me with her EVER again!
Well I told him. It definitely didn't playout as I thought it would, my "what if''s" had me packing my bags and getting ready for a divorce.
He took it very well, he just wanted to know where all that money went. I couldn't tell him because honestly I don't know. I just lived the high life when he was gone; bought what I wanted when I wanted, clothes, shoes, purses, and lots of money went into interior decorating, Ebay and my gardening. It just all adds up, a little here a little there and before you know it you've spent thousands. I went to a Fitness camp to meet a fitness personality of whom I have all his workout videos, I went to art school for my faux finishing business and I got Turbo Kick certified. Quite a few grand went to those things. I just had it in my head that I would be able to pay it off.
So our next discussion will be refiniancing the house and consolidating or taking my friend up on the offer of the 15K loan @7% for 2 years. Crush made a good point and I agree, so we really need to decide how we're going to get out of the mess I created.
So I am alive, and still married. I am lucky. I am changing and this will no longer be my pattern. I am SURE of that
The clock is getting nearer to quitting time. Judgment day is close for me. This weekend is the weekend I have to tell my Husband that I have rang up the credit cards quite substantially while he was away in Iraq. I can't even justify any of it, it's not like I had to use them to live off of while he was gone. There was plenty of money coming in, I was just spending it as fast as it was coming in!
One thing I have learned about BP is that can be one of the symptoms; impulsiveness and spending so much, it puts you in trouble. I'm not trying to use my new diagnosed issue an excuse because it really isn't an excuse but I certainly can see the pattern I've had most of my adult life; when I feel bad, I buy things. sometimes small, sometimes big, the big stuff I wonder where the hell is the money gonna come from to pay for this? So a necessity goes unpaid; who needs lights? Or a phone?
I had no excuse for racking up those credit cards and now I have to tell him. I mean 12-15,000 may not seem like a lot to some people but to us it is a fortune. He is going to go through the roof because his credit is PERFECT I mean spotless, I'm talking a three ring circus comes out and performs when he applies for something!
Then he married me, I feel like a big old anchor dragging hip to the bottom of the ocean!
on ELLO